The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family, by Dr. Ron Taffel & Melinda Blau

I know, I know... I shouldn't be reading these psychobabble books. But I really liked Dr. Taffel's Parenting By Heart, so I thought I'd check out his take on teens. And honestly? It was both a shocking and reassuring look into the world of young people today. Wow, do I feel old. And LUCKY.

Basically, the world of independence that we used to have to grow up and get a job to join is available around the age of ten or so these days. Parents/adults aren't much of a resource, because so often young people know more about navigating today's world than we do--it changes too rapidly. So whereas previous generations often had a real reverence for the wisdom of their elders, that's not as true today. Besides, marketing and money has changed the game--and if you can buy your own goods, what do you need the parents for? From online gambling to chat rooms to drugs, this book was a really disturbing look at why kids today fill the voids in their lives with bad habits--because ours is a "live and let live" society in which the family/school only serves as something to impose restrictions; and who wants those? So kids turn to their "peer group and popular culture" instead. And I find it most telling that pop culture is as important as friends--that's marketing at work for you! Essentially, though, adults are more important to kids than either side realizes--and so it's important to stay connected to your kids (this book was written primarly for parents, though he does mention teachers), even when they try to push you away.

One thing I don't like about this book is that Taffel gives pet names to his notions, such as the "empathetic envelope." Then again, the notions are pretty good, so I guess the names are rather irrelevant. But this book in so many other ways gave credence to my concerns about kids' lives today, and why it's so important to maintain expectations even in the face of opposition. Most of it is common sense nicely explained, and it's almost more of a book about contemporary, middle-class culture--a land of permissiveness, accessibility, moral relativism, and a lack of rituals for connection. While I often complain that these things make it difficult to be a teacher and a parent, they make it worse to be a child and adolescent!

In all, I learned a few important snippets:

that peer pressure is a myth;
that freedom is equated with comfort for most humans, and we always seek out what is most comfortable;
that suspending judgement about what kids do doesn't mean you can't have an opinion or an expectation;
that lying isn't considered wrong or even a moral issue any more, so kids (as well as adults) lie habitually;
that demanding respect is part of showing respect;
and that I want my son to grow up, preferably in a box, and definitely in the backwoods of Newfoundland, until he is thirty! Isn't there some Will Farrell movie about that one?